La cebolla

By bogotapost November 4, 2015

Colombian SatireThis edition we’re proud to launch our first ever satire section. Following in the footsteps of great satirical traditions, it aims to poke fun at politicians, famous people and all those who deserve to have fun poked at them. It is not intended to mock Colombia per se, just some of the things that happen here

Ready, steady, CUY!

October sees the Four Thousand Guinea (pigs) race in Bogotá. This is the biggest event on the prestigious guinea pig racing calendar. Although there are many cuy that race, there are four cuys that are the strongest, who we list below:
San Pacho is a guinea pig that prefers to stick to the right side of the track, where the other guinea pigs leave him alone. It’s rumoured that he has been taking guinea-pig steroids from his manager, Álvaro, who is often to be found championing his cuy on twitter.

Lining up on the left, Clarita is a popular cuy who has also competed in guinea pig polo. Popular among the young, she has trained abroad at the Harvard Institute for Rodent Excellence but questions remain over her links to disgraced race-fixer ‘Brown Sammy’ in the middle of last decade.

Rafael Porco is the favourite down the centre. A strong rodent, he has plenty of money behind him. Trainer Santos has given him a lot of support and even had him proclaimed champion in 2014 after current titleholder Petro was disqualified (although later reinstated) after being charged with eating rubbish as well as talking it.

Piga Losa is the only former champion cuy in the event and has won a lot of money racing around the bollards. However, he’s expected to be weak in the tunnel section, as he dislikes going underground. His training techniques include using bicycles, though his paws have lead to a fall or two.

That multi-purpose press release for foreign media

* – delete as appropriate

With this terrible capitulation/historic peace accord*, the FARC/Colombian Armed Forces* have shown themselves to be total cowards/very courageous*. Over the course of many months, fool/President* Santos has emerged as the villain/hero* of the year.

His crap/crack* team of weak/skilled* negotiators led by bald/bold* chief Humberto de la Carcel/Calle* have agreed to an unbelievably soft/reasonable* deal that benefits only the FARC/both sides*.

Ordinary Colombians have been devastated/ecstatic* by the news. With the country strongly in favour of continued war/peace*, it has been a very unpopular/popular* decision. Former president/rentagob* Uribe has weighed in with bold/unhelpful* comments on twitter which take a more honest/critical* tone.

It’s not clear what will happen in the future, although many commentators say that the FARC will violently/peacefully* return to war/enter politics*. Traitor/President* Santos, meanwhile, looks a good bet to go to The Hague/Stockholm* to face/collect* his crime against the Colombian nation/Nobel Peace Prize*.

One thing that we do know is this. Colombia will have an unnecessary/long awaited* peace, except for the ELN/Uribeños/Aguilas Negras/Ñeros/Millos fans/etc*.

El Tigre

Ahead of the upcoming qualifiers, cliff lookalike José Pekerman is reportedly considering dropping Falcao and replacing him with an actual tiger. “To be honest, at the end of the day, the tiger’s knees aren’t gone and he can go out there and do a job.”

“Having paws is somewhat of a disadvantage as he can’t kick, and of course at 3ft at the shoulder he’s useless in the air, but at the end of the day that’s no real change and he’s £300,000 a week cheaper. Better, we don’t have to talk to that prick Mourinho every time we want to play him”. Although the tiger has been struggling to pick up craggy Pekerman’s focus on tactical discipline, he already seems to have a better understanding than Cuadrado.

There are some questions about the striped feline’s work effort, but the rock-formationesque Pekerman dismissed those, saying “at the end of the day, a cat that can’t be bothered to put in more than around 40% effort is still better than watching Falcao struggle to trap a bag of cement. At least the tiger brings in a deer from time to time, which at the end of the day is somewhat of a result.”