La cebolla

By bogotapost December 10, 2015

Colombian SatireRoger Gerard’s second column pokes fun at politicians, famous people and all those who deserve to have fun poked at them. It is not intended to mock Colombia per se, just some of the things that happen here

“Dogs more important than poor” say Bogotanos

A survey released this week has shown that most rich Bogotanos care more about street dogs than the homeless. Images of starving dogs with cute names were shown to a group of average people, followed by similar images of tramps. Most respondents reacted with sympathy to the dog images, but recoiled from the indigentes, often grabbing their wallets or screaming for their mothers.

La Cebolla went to the Zona T to see what rich dilletantes had to say on the matter. Resting actor JuanCa said: “poor people don’t work hard enough, unlike dogs. Why should my father’s taxes support other humans who only work 14 hour days?”.  His companion, sometime model María Del Privilegio added: “exactly. It’s not dogs’ fault they end up on the streets, whereas people choose whether to be born in abject poverty or not”.

Many of the gomelos surveyed mentioned that dogs are cute and easier to stroke than the homeless, leading to suggestions that the homeless could be carpeted in dog hair to make them more attractive. Local business shark Oscar Fortuna Heredía explained: “actually doing something to help the homeless is really hard. It’s much easier for my clients if we simply hide the homeless under dog hair so they can avoid the reality that their privileged positions create”.

Outgoing diktat from the Alcaldía de Bogotá to the Third International

Esteemed comrades, I salute you on this most troubling of days. Whilst Comrade Maduro bravely struggles against the capitalist running dogs on the border, I sadly prepare to step down and endure exile like Trotsky. I leave the Bolivarian Unified Republic of the People (BURP) with many standing legacies in Bogotá.

I have achieved great success in planning a possible metro system in the capital, even if the dithering revisionist fool Peñalosa may lay waste to this. The building is easy, comrades, it is the brains that plan.

I must thank my armies of bejacketed Bogotá Humana workers who faithfully put in Stakhanovite shifts of up to 12 hours a week. These workers act as our vanguard, and with their help, the full revolution will come to pass in decades, not months.

When I came to power in Bogotá I was appalled by the corruption in waste collection and immediately instigated a Bolivarian revolution to implement a neo-Kropotkinite collectivist system. Enemy of the People, Ordóñez unsuccessfully thwarted my plan to make the system more efficient and cheaper for everyone.

I have planted the seeds of democratic Bolivarian revolution by hurling spanners into all the workings of local government bureaucracy. My heroic dismantling of the system from within will be hailed as a success in years to come. We have made great strides towards an inefficient communist bureaucracy like our comrades in the USSR and China. Sadly, my plans to actually plant seeds in parks were thwarted. Remember, though, brothers and sisters of the revolution – words are more important than actions!

Now I leave you, but rest assured I will return in 2018 to bid for the Presidential Office.

Gringo unable to practise Spanish after accidentally using a masculine article with a feminine noun

“La Barba?  How can that be feminine?” said outraged local tourist Johnny Yankee yesterday as he became a social outcast. After using the article ‘el’ in place of ‘la’ for barba, his new Colombian friends refused to talk further to him in Spanish. Stamping his flip-flops on the floor, he demanded that his new friends reconsider their decision.

Wearing an American flag and speaking to Fox News, Yankee went on to say: “obviously, I correct them on their use of English, but that’s because it’s an important language.  This is just Spanish”.  While the grinning bobblehead on the other end of the camera nodded dumbly, Yankee added: “It took me weeks to meet locals, because I was scared of leaving the hostel bar, but now I can count to a hundred and use the present tense”.

Pedro Innocente, one of the group shunning him, pointed out in perfect English: “Actually, the issue is that he’s a complete tosser. This is simply a convenient way to try and get rid of him.  He also keeps asking me for cocaine”.

By Roger Gerard